On Death (A Confrontation)

This morning, I woke up at 5:00 with the intent to reflect. I've noticed that, increasingly, I've alienated a lot of brilliant and caring people. There could be lots of reasons for this, but I think terror is a big piece of the puzzle. I'm scared to be honest with other people about how scared I am myself.

Thus, my dumb big Internet confession: I am so uncomfortable with mortality that I'm flailing to confront my own goals and ambitions--which is to say nothing of my relationships. I'm genuinely remorseful for all of the wonderful friendships that have slipped through my fingers, and grateful for the ones who put up with my bullshit. If I made you feel neglected, I am sorry for that most of all. I have felt paralyzed into inaction since I moved back to Kansas City, and am fighting to once again recognize my own capability.

Does anyone else constantly think about these things? How do you reconcile the inevitability of an ending with the potential of a present? How have you recovered from loss? If you have thoughts to share, I'd love to hear them via email, comment, the little "contact" sidebar on this blog, smoke signal, telegram, or any other nearly-outdated form of communication. Let's have a conversation.

I'm perfectly safe and well this morning. I'm sure I'll regret this post as soon as I hit "Publish," but I've also been raised to believe in unflinching honesty.

This morning, I focus anew on my present.

Thank you. Much love to you, reader.

Stone by Stone

Recently I've been preoccupied into "head-above-water" mode. I'm somewhat exhausted by everything I'm doing, but I'm also exhilarated: there is an overwhelming, if complicated, sense of relief in being absolutely overtaken by the things that excite me. The past few weeks have been a time of reading, of writing, of watching, of listening, of exploring, of talking. Sufficient time doesn't exist for all of it. I feel as though, maybe, I'm beginning to seize my own agency once again.

Thanks for being a part of that in reading this.

- "Rio Grande" by Ikebe Shakedown, from Stone by Stone (2014)

Garlic Is as Good as Ten Mothers

The title says it all.

- Garlic Is as Good as Ten Mothers by Les Blank (1980)

Con Flores

- "Nuesta Canción" by Monsieur Periné, from Caja de Música (2015) 

Beans and Fog and Other Things

- "Kimberly" by Patti Smith, from Horses (1975)

Will-O'-the-Wisp

This spring, I'm taking a poetry class at UMKC. The course itself isn't too bad, but I have a really hard time encouraging myself to do the homework after spending all day at my job. That said, I'm glad I have a healthy and productive reason to be solitary. I just wish there were more hours in the day to do everything I love. If there were a way to slow the world's spin, I'd be in full support of making our days 27 hours long.

I'm trying to do some homework now before leaving for work, so I'll keep this to a few photos from this weekend, when I went to a pretty park. When I have the energy and consideration, I'll piece together a reflection on everything I observed in D.C. last weekend. For now, these careless vignettes must suffice.

Thank you for reading this!

Minor Park, South Kansas City, Missouri.

Dancing, Asleep

The Suddenly Tangible Gravity of a Small Body on This Middle-Sized Planet

Westport High

Why Try to Change Me Now?

- "Why Try to Change Me Now?" written by Cy Coleman and Joseph McCarthy; performed by Honi Gordon, from Honi Gordon Sings (1962)